Lilley of the field

I didn't think I needed Jesus today. On Easter of all days. I woke up with the bright sun shining, life bursting with possibilities and new joys. Of course, I didn't say those words out loud, but I acted that way because something unthinkable happened on Easter. I actually sinned. I said and thought selfish thing before we actually even arrived at church. Somehow I was frustrated by that. I thought, I am a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come. Today is a different day. It's Easter. I am supposed to be holier today- more selfless from this day forward. Only there sin came breaking in again. My earthly nature creeping through those cracks in this little jar of clay. This morning as I sat in church and sang songs of praise with my brothers and sister, I contemplated the rugged cross that hung before us and before the communion bread and juice. Believing in Jesus isn't the end. It's really the beginning. Easter is not the end- it's the beginn...

The flowers we planted last fall are coming up green, alive, and full. I was skeptical last fall. Our hands were dirtied as we buried iris bulbs, hostas clumbs, daylilies, and tulip bulbs. Our backs were sore from shoveling dirt. Then winter came and there was nothing but barreness. What if we didn't plant them deep enough, shallow enough, water enough, fertilize enough? Then the air turned warm and the sun and rains called forth the leaves. They unfurled overnight and spring arrived. The fruit of our labor arrived as well. This spring we continue to plant. Weed. Dig. Plant. Cover. Mulch. Water. Repeat. There's a saying for perennials: first they sleep, then they creep, then they sweep. It takes three years until they are incredibly established and blooming and full. Part of me doesn't want to wait that long. I want the blooms now, the weeds completely gone, the barren patches full. The land around us only mirrors our heart within us. There is time to wait until the...

I’ve just begun reading Everyday Justice by Julie Clawson. In the book, Julie unpacks how we get the goods that we daily buy- food, clothing, gas, and more- and shows us the negative impact it can have on the environment and people around the globe. When I asked my friend, Darlene, if she enjoyed the book, she said, “Well, I don’t know if ‘enjoyed’ is quite the word for it.” These books and thoughts and discoveries more or less wreck your life in the best way possible. Jesus wrecks my life in the best way possible. In a world that is driven by a desire for comfort and happiness, I am learning the value of living in the uncomfortable. Because once I know these truths, I am held responsible. How can I turn a blind eye? Now that’s an uncomfortable thought. It’s ok to be uncomfortable sometimes. It’s ok to be uncomfortable as we wrestle with how to make daily choices that glorify God. This is what we call “pressing in.” When things get hard or questions arise, human tenden...

Aaron calls on his way home from work today and we talk for a few minutes and he asks, "So, what are we cooking for dinner tonight?" We talk about leftover options and cooking new things. I am standing there with the fridge door wide open, wishing the afternoon hadn't gotten away from me, grouchy and hungry and suddenly, I see the potatoes and I  really want a potato. Baked potoato. Sour cream. melting cheddar cheese. All of it. I suggest this, but Aaron can tell I'm grouchy and doesn't understand. We get confused and finally realize we are both agreeing on potatoes. It seemed like a silly conversation and I was frustrated with myself for being so grouchy. - - - - - I had been thinking about my fast this Lent which began last Wednesday. I've made it a week without breaking it, but I felt myself breaking today. I gave up sweets and in particular snacking in the afternoon before dinner. I could feel myself coming home from school on most days and just waitin...

I've asked and begged and pleaded for and rejoiced over and relaxed near and felt warmth from the fire in our fireplace. Aaron has taken time out of his work to make it just for me because he knows I will be so happy with the flames dancing and the wood cracking and the embers flying and the coals glowing. It's a "snow day" (aka sleet day) you know and we're home from work early so we have to have a fire. He has been the expert fire stoker as well tending to it carefully. He is getting ready to leave to get his car taken care of at the shop. He leaves wood by the fire, stokes it one last time, and say emphatically: "Don't let the fire go out." I do pretty good at first. I add a log here, a log there, but he's taking longer than I expect to return and I'm running low on the wood he left me. I can't remember which was more important: not to let the fire go out or to not go through most of the wood we have stacked by the door in our ga...

I've been concocting this post for a few days because I've been meditating a lot on fear- on the topic of fear, not on my fears themselves. Aaron and I watched a  TED talk  on  what fear can teach us  about a week ago. I mentioned in a  previous post  how we are really enjoying TED talks- or were before I entered back into the real world of work. TED's tag line is "Ideas worth spreading." It is a website and app with 3-60 minute talks on every topic. While secular, I've found so many of the points so true and in a way biblical. Only, the speaker is not backing it up with scripture. I love how God has still wired us to be passionate people and to see him and his creation even if we're not calling it His- crazy. In the TED talk, the speaker explains how our fears could also be called "stories." They are stories we create in our mind about something that may happen. She gives the example of these sailors on the  whale ship Essex (a true story) w...

I've accidentally chosen a word for the year. the WAY. One thing I'd like for this year is to learn to listen to the Lord more. Several days ago in the potter's place I sat in a rocking chair and listened. I experienced God speaking to me tenderly. I felt led to start listening to God and asking Him questions during my prayer time and actually write those things down. When I hear him, all else fades away and gets fuzzy, blurry in the sight of his gloriousness. ___________________ It's January 1st. I am closing my eyes and listening and I ask, "What do you want for me this year?" I want to show you my way . I smile. Yes. For my ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts. I open the Bible and there it is- way- in so many places I'd never realized or hadn't remembered. "As for God his way is perfect...It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure." - 2 Sam:31,33 "Commit your way to the Lord...

I wanted to follow up my last blog post on anger with a post of praise. A praise of God and a praise of friends. On Wednesday, after writing the blog, I knew I should ask for prayer. These are times when you know you need someone and sometimes you take that bold step to ask and sometimes you hesitate and hold back. I always regret hesitating, I never regret asking. We are people who need prayer and there is something powerful about asking for prayer. It is humbling. It frees your burdens. You realize you are not alone. You realize the power of God through prayer. So there never seemed to be a good moment at house church to ask people because we just had a potluck and not our regular gathering of prayer and scripture reading. Finally people started leaving. I thought, "Oh well, next time I guess." Andrew and Mackenzie were deciding whether they wanted to leave or stay. And let me tell you, it was not a natural time to interject with, "Well, I was actually thinking may...

"As it [meditation] is the sister of reading, so it is the mother of prayer." -William Bridge I have a book called Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life by Donald S. Whitney. It probably sounds very dry to many people. And actually I wouldn't really know either because until the other day I'd only read one chapter from it on fasting. That chapter has really changed the way I view fasting. I think it is something that our culture does not understand or appreciate because we can always have what we want immediately, but fasting gives complete control over the most basic necessities over to God. But I decided to read the chapter on prayer yesterday. What I was so struck to the core by was it's tie to mediation. Another thing that our culture rarely discusses. Meditation is allowing something to fill our minds so much that it transforms our hearts. We often say that we "worship" other things besides God- which I know is true for me, but I realize...