On potatoes, being close to God, and Lent
Aaron calls on his way home from work today and we talk for a few minutes and he asks, "So, what are we cooking for dinner tonight?" We talk about leftover options and cooking new things. I am standing there with the fridge door wide open, wishing the afternoon hadn't gotten away from me, grouchy and hungry and suddenly, I see the potatoes and I really want a potato. Baked potoato. Sour cream. melting cheddar cheese. All of it. I suggest this, but Aaron can tell I'm grouchy and doesn't understand. We get confused and finally realize we are both agreeing on potatoes. It seemed like a silly conversation and I was frustrated with myself for being so grouchy.
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I had been thinking about my fast this Lent which began last Wednesday. I've made it a week without breaking it, but I felt myself breaking today. I gave up sweets and in particular snacking in the afternoon before dinner. I could feel myself coming home from school on most days and just waiting to put something yummy in my mouth and relax. While that's not inherently bad, I would crave that more and more on rougher days and go to that instead of the Lord. So instead of snacking, I've committed to spending time with God after school however that may be- reading the bible, singing, praying, listening, sitting in silence. That sounds like a grand idea, but today I got frustrated because I was home later and felt like I did not want to spend time with God because I had other more pressing things I needed to do. And... I was grouchy. Imagine that. I don't eat and I'm grouchy.
I've been convicted when people talk about giving up things besides food. I think there's a place for that, but I've also seen how most fasts (or maybe all) talked about in the Bible are a fast of food. God knows it will make us feel weaker, more tired, and in most cases grouchy and yet He still calls us to it. Giving up food is so hard because it literally is a basic need. The body actually has physical repercussions of giving up food. It is not just disciplining the mind.
But it's still hard. I have not felt closer to God or like I've heard Him more since I've started this. Instead, I actually find I've had more questions and less answers than I normally do. I've been reading through some scripture in the afternoon and have just felt stuck. Today, I really felt done with it and yet I thought, "Really Kim?! You can't give up one week into it."
- - - - -
So back to the potatoes.
I pierce the 4 brown, earthy little potatoes and place them in the mircowave. Six minutes. I go to journal. I write 2 sentences and hear the potatoes popping. Slightly concerned I go back over to them and look at them turning about the in the bright light of our microwave, shaking in the waves and pressure, and heat. And it almost feels dumb to write, but I felt like God was saying, "I'm going to teach you something from these potatoes." I think of Ezekiel and how as he is walking by a valley of dead bones God calls to him and speaks to him through that (Ezekiel 37). God uses where we are and what we are doing to speak to us.
So I hop up to sit on the edge of our kitchen counter and watch them as the seconds and minutes pass. There are four in there. Three are three toward the edge of the rotating plate. They are shaking, sizzling, and popping. The smallest on is in the center of the plate. Calm. Unmoving.
I realize that God is calling me to be in the center of Him (which I'm still not even 100% sure what that means). When He is in my center and my center is in Him (kind of like the John 15:4 "Remain in me, as I also remain in you.", I find peace and calm. In the midst of being pierced, being heated, and being spun. And through it all, my hard heart is softened- just like those potatoes.
Beep. Beep. Beep. The timer dings. The light goes out. And so to is my life- fleeting.
I don't usually willingly stay with things that break me if I have a choice in the matter. But I will continue because I know that easter is coming. I know that after suffering comes easter. And that is what this Lent season is about.
- - - - -
I had been thinking about my fast this Lent which began last Wednesday. I've made it a week without breaking it, but I felt myself breaking today. I gave up sweets and in particular snacking in the afternoon before dinner. I could feel myself coming home from school on most days and just waiting to put something yummy in my mouth and relax. While that's not inherently bad, I would crave that more and more on rougher days and go to that instead of the Lord. So instead of snacking, I've committed to spending time with God after school however that may be- reading the bible, singing, praying, listening, sitting in silence. That sounds like a grand idea, but today I got frustrated because I was home later and felt like I did not want to spend time with God because I had other more pressing things I needed to do. And... I was grouchy. Imagine that. I don't eat and I'm grouchy.
I've been convicted when people talk about giving up things besides food. I think there's a place for that, but I've also seen how most fasts (or maybe all) talked about in the Bible are a fast of food. God knows it will make us feel weaker, more tired, and in most cases grouchy and yet He still calls us to it. Giving up food is so hard because it literally is a basic need. The body actually has physical repercussions of giving up food. It is not just disciplining the mind.
But it's still hard. I have not felt closer to God or like I've heard Him more since I've started this. Instead, I actually find I've had more questions and less answers than I normally do. I've been reading through some scripture in the afternoon and have just felt stuck. Today, I really felt done with it and yet I thought, "Really Kim?! You can't give up one week into it."
- - - - -
So back to the potatoes.
I pierce the 4 brown, earthy little potatoes and place them in the mircowave. Six minutes. I go to journal. I write 2 sentences and hear the potatoes popping. Slightly concerned I go back over to them and look at them turning about the in the bright light of our microwave, shaking in the waves and pressure, and heat. And it almost feels dumb to write, but I felt like God was saying, "I'm going to teach you something from these potatoes." I think of Ezekiel and how as he is walking by a valley of dead bones God calls to him and speaks to him through that (Ezekiel 37). God uses where we are and what we are doing to speak to us.
So I hop up to sit on the edge of our kitchen counter and watch them as the seconds and minutes pass. There are four in there. Three are three toward the edge of the rotating plate. They are shaking, sizzling, and popping. The smallest on is in the center of the plate. Calm. Unmoving.
I realize that God is calling me to be in the center of Him (which I'm still not even 100% sure what that means). When He is in my center and my center is in Him (kind of like the John 15:4 "Remain in me, as I also remain in you.", I find peace and calm. In the midst of being pierced, being heated, and being spun. And through it all, my hard heart is softened- just like those potatoes.
Beep. Beep. Beep. The timer dings. The light goes out. And so to is my life- fleeting.
I don't usually willingly stay with things that break me if I have a choice in the matter. But I will continue because I know that easter is coming. I know that after suffering comes easter. And that is what this Lent season is about.
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