When your heart sings.

So I've had this inner dilemma for a while now about this blog. I love to write, but I just have so much trouble now feeling freedom to write anything here. It's not because that many people read it necessarily, it's just that people can and do once in a while and well.... I'm just conscious of that. I once would post my blogs on Facebook, but some of my world's are colliding too much there for me to want to post things so personal and vulnerable. I have a blog to write stories and to be vulnerable and to encourage others and I don't want to stray from that.

So I've thought about if I should keep this space, just write like every 2 months like I am doing or turn the focus to something more specific. But everything I think about something different, it just doesn't make my heart sing.

For instance:

• A Teaching Blog- Sure I could post pictures of my classroom and cute things we're doing, but I don't really want to do that and there are plenty of teaching blogs out there like that anyhow.
• A Home improvement/ DIY blog- Do we do home improvement or what? Too much of it lately. If you happen to be around our house often enough (like our lucky current roommate Nicholas), then you will hear me shouting this occasionally "I HATE THIS!!!! WHY ARE WE REDOING THIS? NICHOLAS, NEVER BUY A HOUSE LIKE THIS, BUY A BRAND NEW HOUSE."  followed by a waterfall of tears or he may occasionally hear Aaron using these words at 2:30 in the morning while he tries to fix our shower (true story) "F#$&, S*&%, S*^%%&*^^%^&." and so on and so forth. It's not pretty, but the result is often pretty. So I would fear in having a DIY blog that I would paint some picture (no pun intended) that says your-life-should-be-all-pinterest-and-homey-and-hipster-and-we're-so-hardcore-don't-you-want-be-like-us. Which is just ridiculous.
• Life updates blog- well let's be real, my life is not interesting enough to post pictures of what I do all the time. I read this article the other day and laughed out loud the whole time because it was so true. Pictures of our lives often hide the difficult things and all we see are smiles. And then I look at people's lives and smiles and get jealous because I somehow foolishly believe my life isn't all that great anymore now that I've just spent 10 minutes on Facebook way to engrossed in other people's smiles. (maybe I'm alone there. I don't know) (*Side note: this is not about real photography and capturing genuine beauty, love, and joy and yes I have an instagram and no I don't think it is evil).
• A food blog- I love to cook. I mean love. My summer has consisted of getting fresh organic vegetables each Tuesday from the Clemson Student Organic Farm. Then I've been canning pickles, making peach pies, roasting tomatoes and making soup or pasta sauce. I've been making delicious omelets oozing with goat cheese and spinach. I don't have a fancy enough camera or skills to make my food look all that delicious and anyways adding a food blog out there does not make my heart sing. And I write to make my heart sing.... so that has left me where?

While walking my dog this morning, I was looking around the the big blue sky, feeling the wind in the trees, and looking at everyone's beautiful garden and I thought to myself- gardening. That's it. In fact, I realized that was so "it" that I got tears in my eyes and couldn't stop smiling. My heart started to sing. And then I remembered I titled my blog "Lilley of the field" and somehow writing about gardening was so fitting. My husband and I purchased this fixer upper home that needed lots of TLC- especially outside. So we've been gardening, weeding, making mistakes, accidentally not watering and killing plants, pruning things at the wrong time, letting our roses get totally diseased, and somehow still having flowers grow and bloom and be beautiful because well God loves to redeem things.

I've written lots about gardening anyhow on this little blog. And while I am not some wonderful gardener, I know a Great One. 

"I am the vine and my Father is the true gardener." John 15:1

I hear and feel God the most when I am outside in nature or when I am on my knees feeling the dirt between my fingers and the sunshine on my face. God makes flowers open for me on special days and brings tears to my eyes as he whispers sweet words to love to me when those petals unfold and radiant colors shine forth. Yes, gardening it is. I can weave stories of grace, laughter, and sorrows into stories about flowers, pruning, and wedding. 

Yes, gardening it is. Not just the gardening of my backyard, but in the cultivating and watering of my own soul. Yes, gardening it is. 

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And on that note, I've been meaning to post this story for a few days, but haven't gotten around to it.

The other day, I was contemplating an upcoming meeting that was making me nervous. In order to keep my mind off it and to stay busy I went to water my plants. 

There is this little fig tree we got from some friends. When we first transplanted it to this big pot all the leaves fell off and I though it was surely dead. Then one day there was a little lime green leaf bud. And suddenly there was another one. And another one. And they began unfolding. Aaron has been watering it and so I have given little thought to the tiny tree in a lone pot.

But this morning, I paused to water it and pictured it years from now. Where will it be planted? Will it be at this house? Will our kids climb it? Will someone else be enjoying it's shade and fruit?

I had been trying to avoid sitting down and being quiet this morning thinking that would only make my stomach churn more. But I had time to spare of course after watering the plants. So I curled into my spot on our green couch and opened Jesus Calling. I read the little devotion and it didn't speak to me at all- which it usually does. So I turned to the first Bible verse it listed for the day and there it was:

"The fig tree forms it's early fruit." Song of Songs 2:13

Suddenly there was clarity and a string of hope for me to hold onto. My meeting was simply allowing the beginnings of early fruit. Something bigger than I had dreamed is happening. That's what God does though so I shouldn't have been really surprised.

And all day I clung to that- the fig tree forms it early fruit.