Holy Ground
It's summer finally! I am so thankful for the unexpected closure today that I got on my year. The end of the school year here is strange. There is no big finale and no final goodbyes. The kids can come on Monday and Tuesday for half days. I say, "can" because most don't. I didn't get to say goodbye to a couple kids. Then since Monday and Tuesday were half days, there wasn't anything productive or sentimental that went on. My last day of school I only had 3 out of 8 students show up. I didn't have any tearful goodbye, no end of year gifts from the students, no closure.
So I wake up today and go to school for our teacher work day. We can get out of there by 3 and I am eyeing that clock eager to get out by 3 when finally I give up because I know it will be a little after 3. God knew that too because I actually get done at literally 3. So I turn off the lights, close the doors, move a few last things and look around. And then it hits me. My first year is finished. The nightmares and the joys will never be like it was this year. And without really thinking about it, I kneeled, cried, and praised God."All I could say was "Thank you Jesus, Thank you." Over and over. After about 15 minutes I collected my last few things and closed the door on my first year.
I can only count the number of times I've knelt in my classroom on one hand- at least to pray. I've knelt many times while wrestling a kids to the ground... or trying to get them up off the ground. But the times I've knelt in prayer were simply out of desperation. This time it came out of praise. In the beginning of the school year, I had these dreams of being the kind of teacher that prayed for my kids by name all the time, that never got angry, that prayed over my classroom so that it would be filled with the Holy Spirit. My year felt far from that. I struggled to remember to pray during the day since we were going 100 miles an hour it seemed. I forgot to pray over my classroom in the mornings because I was too worried about the lesson plans for the day. I wondered if I was really supposed to be there. And then a few months ago on a really down day I heard God say, "These are my children and I choose you to be over them." And slowly my heart has been changing. I tried to hug and hold my children more and whisper "I love you," in their ear. I decided to do more things I was passionate about like including them in the regular events of the school day and making them seen among peers so we started "Friday Jobs." And slowly but surely I felt like I found myself as a teacher.
God had to weed out my fear, jealousy, comparison, anger, and doubt and is continuing too. I was weeding in our yard today (which I find strangely gratifying) when I realized weeding is not the purpose and joy of gardening, it's the beginning though. When I weed a whole bed it looks to much more clean and pretty. But I am not weeding, just to weed. We weed so we can plant beautiful, colorful flowers and bushes. That is why I love gardening. I love seeing things grow and bloom. This year, God has been weeding my heart. Today, in my classroom I felt like he was saying that it's time to plant some things, to lay down some roots, to produce some fruit. Kneeling there I just two unshakable thoughts, "He loves this place," and "This is Holy Ground."
So I wake up today and go to school for our teacher work day. We can get out of there by 3 and I am eyeing that clock eager to get out by 3 when finally I give up because I know it will be a little after 3. God knew that too because I actually get done at literally 3. So I turn off the lights, close the doors, move a few last things and look around. And then it hits me. My first year is finished. The nightmares and the joys will never be like it was this year. And without really thinking about it, I kneeled, cried, and praised God."All I could say was "Thank you Jesus, Thank you." Over and over. After about 15 minutes I collected my last few things and closed the door on my first year.
I can only count the number of times I've knelt in my classroom on one hand- at least to pray. I've knelt many times while wrestling a kids to the ground... or trying to get them up off the ground. But the times I've knelt in prayer were simply out of desperation. This time it came out of praise. In the beginning of the school year, I had these dreams of being the kind of teacher that prayed for my kids by name all the time, that never got angry, that prayed over my classroom so that it would be filled with the Holy Spirit. My year felt far from that. I struggled to remember to pray during the day since we were going 100 miles an hour it seemed. I forgot to pray over my classroom in the mornings because I was too worried about the lesson plans for the day. I wondered if I was really supposed to be there. And then a few months ago on a really down day I heard God say, "These are my children and I choose you to be over them." And slowly my heart has been changing. I tried to hug and hold my children more and whisper "I love you," in their ear. I decided to do more things I was passionate about like including them in the regular events of the school day and making them seen among peers so we started "Friday Jobs." And slowly but surely I felt like I found myself as a teacher.
God had to weed out my fear, jealousy, comparison, anger, and doubt and is continuing too. I was weeding in our yard today (which I find strangely gratifying) when I realized weeding is not the purpose and joy of gardening, it's the beginning though. When I weed a whole bed it looks to much more clean and pretty. But I am not weeding, just to weed. We weed so we can plant beautiful, colorful flowers and bushes. That is why I love gardening. I love seeing things grow and bloom. This year, God has been weeding my heart. Today, in my classroom I felt like he was saying that it's time to plant some things, to lay down some roots, to produce some fruit. Kneeling there I just two unshakable thoughts, "He loves this place," and "This is Holy Ground."
Well, I'm crying. Lovely Kim. :) He does love being there oh so much!
ReplyDeleteSarah M